Little something i wrote recently as a response….
I have no intentions of a relationship, friendship yes. I have the intention to create a better understanding of self freedom, detach myself from that i think is the way we live. As well create a broader spectrum of life through what i experience and see. I want and plan to create a better relationship with earth, and create and ease my way through a more powerful peace with in. I want to re-discover my inner peace; full fill the enlightenment within, that i know i have. I want this all to help me grasp the understanding of what i feel most devoted towards, and what i want to do with my life. Im not sure if im going at it all wrong, but i feel like this is the right way to find myself. I dont want any second guessing, as well as getting stabbed in the back along the way. I have to much trust in people, which is my best and as well worst quality of all. I have to rely on my ‘gut fillings’ from here on. And when it comes to what you think is "house arrest" it all falls back to 2011. The week after i graduated high school. I left my dads house it was both of our choices(my dads and mine)with the intention of kicking out(we had an ugly argument the day before and the truth came out of both of us) But Thats another story. So after i left, i was staying in my car from place to place where i ended up at an older guys house, who at the end of the day, only wanted sex from me. So i left and called up my mom and i moved in for only a month or so. ( ill state, ive never lived with my mom before, besides the 5 months in 8th grade when my oldest sister and i did a house/family swap[me to my moms in OR and my sis to my dads in Cali] because of our behavior back then) so when i moved in, there has been tension building up, or shall i rephrase that, there always been tension in my mothers house. House of broken and mistreated love. My step dad and mom are together for all the wrong reasons, and to this very day its still as if there roommates, bonded by law and and called a "married couple". So i left the negative atmosphere, and moved in with my older sister. Where i had a horrible turning point in life, where i was going against all my morals and self respect and lost my path in life. Thats when i met my ex, my first lover. Where he thought he could just pick me up and take me away(saving me). So thats when i moved in with him on the OR coast for several months. When it went sour, he didnt know what what to do, so he gave up without trying to rekindle our relationship. So he dropped me off where he had first picked me up. But by that time, my sister and her bf had moved. so it was abandoned i didnt want him taking me to where she was so i had him drop me off there with all my bags. And as he drove away i had to again call my sis to provide me with her help. So she took me to her house, where it was a new start for her and her family(her fiance and baby boy). I felt as if i was disturbing her start in life, so i left went house hopping for awhile and decided i need work. So i called my mother, and she let me move in. Found a job instantly, which i have an ability to do. Not sure why. Started working, but then came in the second guessing of staying put, living a life im not comfortable with. Which is work, sleep, dreaming but not acting upon them, work, sleep dream, work, sleep, dream. So i Left spontaneously with friends who as well spontaneously had the same plan as i did. Which was to head south. No agenda, no concept of time, no plan of where to go or where to live. We just wanted to leave. So i took that extra seat in there car and headed south. It seemed as if it was met to be, so i couldn’t shove off something that was put together not by us, but by faith. Its hard to explain. But by then, ive asked my mother twice for a place to rekindle my flame/start over. And as a mother of course she had an open door. But with that open door she had expectations; job, school when the time was right for me, no rent(only if was saving up, and not fucking up), and to figure out my plans/life with out worrying about what horrible thing next was gonna happen. But when i left it was like telling her to fuck off and stabbed her in the back. It hurt her alot. Which wasnt my intention at all. So after my backpacking/traveling i came back unexpectedly, and showed up to my nephews first birthday party where everyone was shocked to see me. I then again asked my mom to move in so i can work, and eventually start school. She of course had an open door for me. With the same expectations, but with one more. (not to break her heart). So with the phrase you considered "house arrest" its more of, i cant look at my mom as a safety net in life anymore. Im nearly 20 and i cant keep putting her through my games. She’s losing her faith and high hopes in me. So she stated with an open heart that once i leave this time, theres no coming back. Its not like how the way i left my dads(thats was being kicked out) but it was a very settled conversation of letting me go, letting me experience life like the way ive been wanting to and not relying on her to save me. Which was never how i saw her, but i did act on that. Used her love for help. So i understand where her point of view is. I love her for sitting me down and letting me know with only peace and love in her heart. So thats my dilemma, thats what im stuck with. I not a fan of how life should be one or the other. Thats why this isnt just a who cares, and careless adventure/plan its more of a life im choosing. Im not wanting to live a life im not happy with, which is here. The same day to day life, wanting more but not acting on it. Living in the shadows of my family/society and there expectations, and there regrets, and pauses they’ve put on there life for aiding others. I believe and know ill be internally happy with traveling and using earth as a safety net and an aid to my life.
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